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With all the many problems that are swirling around us, it's easy to feel a bit downcast. When that happens, a smile can work wonders. Hopefully some of these one liners will do that for you.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
It's not who you know, it's whom you know. (It's so nice when jokes also teach some language.)
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reading "Time for Some Smiles" »
One of the great pluses of language is the sheer fun it offers. You need look no further than the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest. Here they are:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
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reading "Yes, There Really Is An International Pun Contest" »
It's great to see kids' faces light up when they hear or tell a Joke. And because of the word play that jokes offer, at the same time, their language skills are enhanced. When you have a chance, you might try these out.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.
Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: They are always stuffed! Continue
reading "Jokes: Fun and Learrning in One Package" »
If you recall some of your nursery rhymes, you'll remember how Mary brought her lamb to school one day--or at least, the lamb followed her there.
Now, in Ohio, a school is using this idea in a new way. It has introduced a dog, a chocolate-colored Labrador, into the classroom to help children with reading problems. The dog, oddly named Bear, sits next to the children as they face the rigors of reading that prove to be so difficult for them.
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reading "Outsourcing Mary's Little Lamb with Dogs" »
The range of topics one can jest about is vast and Christmas offers no exception. So here are some question-answer jokes about the holiday that you can enjoy with your children--while offering them the chance for some interesting word play
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus. Continue
reading "Playing Around with Christmas" »
Christmas is a beloved holiday--one associated with a solid set of traditions from the brightly lit trees to the well-known carols to the stockings on the mantelpiece. So we almost never think of it as including a treasure trove of ideas that most of us have never heard about.
Now Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John Kennedy, has shown us a lot of what we have been missing. Her new anthology, A Family Christmas, is a collection of poetry, prose, lyrics and scripture about the season that lets us see the many aspects of Christmas that are rarely discussed.
For example, among the tidbits she offers are the following::
In 1659, the Puritans of Massachusetts banned the celebration of Christmas, "which had become known for public drunkenness, licentious sex, and gambling."
The American vision of Santa Claus was created by Clement Clarke Moore in his 1822 poem that starts "'Twas the night before Christmas" and was later exported to the world largely via Coca-Cola ads. Continue
reading "Seeing Christmas in a New Light" »
School is a powerful force that can overwhelm both children and parents. Like everything else, it becomes a bit more manageable when you can laugh about it. Here are some jokes to help you achieve that goal:
One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."
"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.
His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
"Not good enough," the mother replied.
"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."
"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
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reading ""It's Time to Go to School"" »
One of the unfortunate outcomes of all the testing that goes on in life is that we come to dread exams. But when used in a less than traditional manner, tests can be enjoyable--and even get you to think about words from a fresh (if, at times, silly) perspective.
For example, what's the answer to "How many birthdays does the average person have?" Continue
reading "A Test Your Child Can Enjoy" »
The love affair humans have with dogs is among the oldest of stories. It dates back some 15,000 years ago when our ancestral cavemen recognized the special relationship they had with gray wolves and chose to domesticate them.
And now through genetics research, we know that the friendship is more than skin deep. Studies of the DNA sequence aimed at determining what makes a dog a dog have shown that it is amazingly close to what makes a person a person. So it’s not surprising that dogs share many of the same gene-related health conditions as humans, including cancer and obesity.
But for dog owners, that is hardly the issue. For them, it's all about love. And like all lovers, they are keen to share their feelings. That's why dog-lovers have been writing about their relationships for years--and in the process, giving us some interesting insights into the human condition. Here are some you might enjoy: Continue
reading "It's All About Love" »
We steadily hear the message that kids must build up their language skills if they want to go to a good college; if they want to get a good job; if they want to be successful in life. All true.
But "good language" is also a tremendous source of fun. Where would jokes be without it? And, as the following one-liners show us, a remarkably few words have the power to make us smile:
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. Continue
reading "Having Fun with Language" »
Now that school has once again started, children and their parents face the pressure that comes with wanting to do well. That means completing homework, studying for tests, and all the related activities. These are necessary, but they can be somewhat joyless.
In all the pressure, we should never forget that learning can provide some phenomenal experiences. So if you have a bit of time and want to share some fascinating material with your child, material like this:
You can go to a site where you can see the "ten most amazing pictures taken by the Hubble Space Telescope." You can find it at: http://groups.msn.com/SailingWithDevious/toptenhubblepictures.msnw
How did these pictures come to be?
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reading "Want to Share a Bit of Heaven with Your Child?" »
From its inception, television has been the subject of steady criticism. Now researchers from the University of Washington have provided evidence that the damage that has been alleged to happen actually does. They found that popular baby videos such as Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby not only fail to create the hoped-for geniuses; they actually appear to hinder development. In the first two years of life, more hours of watching videos are associated with lower vocabulary scores.
Predictably, the report has provoked strong reactions from the producers of these programs. The Walt Disney Company has called on the university to retract their news release on the grounds that it is "misleading, irresponsible and derogatory."
Inevitably, these fights will continue. As Paddy Chayevsky, the playwright, said, “It's the menace that everyone loves to hate but can't seem to live without.†Continue
reading ""The Menace Everyone Loves To Hate"" »
For decades now, children have been captivated by Where the Wild Things Are. In this remarkable story Maurice Sendak relates a small boy’s dreams of conquering the “wild things†and becoming their king.
As is often the case, the fantasy conveys a major truth. In this case, it captures the extent to which cultures across the ages have had the same goal—with the exception that in the world of reality, the monsters in our minds have been replaced by the animals in our midst. Indeed, much of human civilization can be told in terms of the efforts to bring the powers of animals under our control.
Animals--large and small--have known what it is to be the "objects of our desires." Continue
reading "Our Everlasting Affair with the "Wild Things"" »
It’s common knowledge that kids are not keen on learning history—a reaction due, in no small part, to the dreary manner in which it is often taught. More's the pity—because the past is replete with amazing stories that would tantalize children—if they only had a chance to hear them.
If you would like to get your youngsters interested in the past, you may find that the telling of real tales goes a long way. For a start, you might share, with them, the following story. Continue
reading "Literacy and Underwear? Truth Can Be Stranger than Fiction" »
Social scientists have, for many years now, been telling us about the role birth order plays in making us who we are. In general, the first-born in families are the big achievers. So with that in mind, the New York Times recently ran a quiz listing the following high achieving (though not always charming) celebrities. For each, there was one of three choices—first born (F), middle (between first and last) (M) and last born (L).
If you would like to take the test, here’s the list.
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reading "The Pecking Order Among Siblings" »
A friend, knowing my love of words and my interest in visual sequencing, recently sent me an intriguing set of words. In each pair, the letters are identical -- but the sequence has been altered. The result is ingenious and entertaining -- a lovely combination.
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
TWELVE PLUS ONE
DORMITORY
DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER
MOON STARER
THE EYES
THEY SEE
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reading "When You Rearrange the Letters" »
Children love jokes. They love telling them and they love hearing them. And jokes are wonderful. With their twists on words, they not only provide fun, they also improve language skills.
In case your child is not familiar with some of the ones below, you might try the following:
What does a tree do when he is ready to go home?
He leaves.
What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
The dentist is taking me out today!
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reading "Want to Impress Your Child?" »
Of the many benefits of reading, one is its power to expand the sphere of humor. For example, consider a one-liner like the following:
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
With this sort of material, print--rather than speech--is the perfect medium.
If you would like to SEE some more of this ilk, just read on. (And, if you would like to get serious about this material, you can see how much time it takes you to spot the key word in each sentence.) Continue
reading "Reading and Humor: A Nice Partnership" »
Benjamin Ffanklin seemed to write on anything and everything. So it's not surprising to find that he had lots of thoughts on education and the path to knowledge. And his power to convey those ideas was amazing. Here, in just 15 words, he has pinpointed some central truths of teaching and learning.
Tell me....And I Forget,
Teach me.....And I Learn,
Involve Me.....And I Remember.
Of course, he has lots more to say such as:.
Continue
reading "Some Advice from a Founding Father" »
Reading, like all powerful forces, leads to many and varied reactions. Here are some musings from the famous--and not so famous--that reflect a few of the many facets of reading.
A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen,
is that you can take it to bed with you.
Daniel J. Boorstin
Books are not men and yet they stay alive.
Stephen Vincent Benet
Books had instant replay long before televised sports.
Bert Williams Continue
reading "Everyone Has An Opinion About Reading" »
George Carlin, an endless source of laughs, often provides interesting insights into words. Here are a few:
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him-is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What was the best thing before sliced bread? Continue
reading "Some More Musings from George Carlin" »
For people who love words, puns can be a delight.
Here's a sampling that may bring a smile to your lips.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Among his other accomplishments, Woody Allen is famous for his one-liners such as the following:
-I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
-The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
-There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.
-What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
-94.5% of all statistics are made up.
-I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
-I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Spelling accuracy has nowhere near the clout it had in days of yore. But those who still value correct spelling might enjoy seeing what a change in a letter or two can do to some tried and true concepts.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the person who makes a cynical remark and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Karmageddon: When everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes and the Earth explodes.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Mark Twain, one of the great humorists in our nation, had lots to say about reading, learning, and just about any aspect of life you can think of. Here is a sampling:
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it.
Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it.
It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.
Between believing a thing and thinking you know is only a small step and quickly taken.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Continue
reading "A Sampling of Mark Twain" »
If you like to play around with words, you might enjoy some of the following.
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* A will is a dead giveaway.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Continue
reading "A New Twist on Words" »
The comedian George Carlin has a special gift for making us laugh at language. Here are a few of his great lines.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Is there another word for synonym?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Here are some quotes on reading from the hilarious comedian Stephen Wright:
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat."
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
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