The implications for classroom learning were obvious. Since classrooms cannot provide steady one-to-one supervision, it was clear why he was not learning in school. Almost certainly, he was rarely, if ever, attending to what was going on.

But of even greater significance were the implications for daily life. I asked the mother if his behavior made it difficult for things at home. Immediately tears started flowing as she said, “It’s impossible. We can’t take him places because he won’t listen to anything we say. I can’t talk on the phone because he constantly interrupts. We can never have a meal together because he is bouncing up and down….” The list went on and on.

I replied that, despite this behavior, we could actually get him to read. But it would be far better if, simultaneously, we spent some time getting his behavior under control. I added that certain relatively simple techniques were available that were particularly effective with young children.

She responded with a look that said. “This is too good to be true.” Her skepticism was totally understandable. If techniques were available, why wasn’t everyone using them?

I replied to her unasked question by telling her that most parents find it very difficult to implement the techniques. "Is this because the techniques are harsh and punitive? Not at all. There are no punishments, no threats, no time-outs.

But there are significant changes in the nature of the interaction between the child and the parent—changes that require that the parent to consciously adopt behaviors that are quite different from those they traditionally use. Change is always hard and somehow, in this realm, it seems particularly hard."

But the mother was desperate and nothing is more powerful than desperation for greasing the path to change. So with her request to proceed, I outlined the main points. She listened attentively.

About two months later, the mother and child returned. Difficult as it may be to believe, the boy behaved as if he were a different child. His movements were slower and more directed; he was able to stay in his seat with no difficulty. The mother’s face was beaming. She reported that they had just been on vacation with her extended family and on several occasions they complimented her on how well behaved her youngster was,

So what are the key ingredients to this formula that made such a difference? Basically, they involve two major groupings:
behaviors you want the child to stop (such as ending a game) and
behaviors you want your child to start (such as getting undressed).

Here are the main point for each. (For ease of writing, I refer to the hypothetical child as “he” but the guidelines apply equally well to “she.”)

1. Stopping a behavior. First, never give directions from a distance. Instead get within “touching distance” of your child and say, as briefly and simply as possible, what you have to say (e.g., “please put the toy down.”). If he seems to ignore you, without saying a word and without getting angry, simply take the child’s hands and wait. Ignore anything he has to say—whether they be complaints, questions or entreaties. If, after 3 or so minutes, he fails to start carrying out the direction, repeat it and wait again. At this point you probably won’t have to do anything further—but just in case, move him so that he is in a position to start the action (e.g., positioning his hands so they are holding the toy and in position to put it down). At no point, do you say anything else. When the action is carried out, say something simple like “Good” or Thank you” and act as if this was just what was expected. At the same time, say nothing further. Specifically guard against the strong pull to “take advantage” of the situation by delivering a moral lesson (via statements such as “Look how easy that was. If you had done it right away, we would not have wasted all this time…” etc). If you want to get a child to tune out, just start preaching. It can destroy all the effort you just put into the situation.

2. Starting a behavior. Once again, never give directions from a distance. Once within “touching distance” say what you have to say (e.g., “please go up the stairs.”). Make sure to stick to one direction at a time and do not bunch a set of directions together. So do not say “Go upstairs, and get undressed and then take your bath.” Once one direction is completed, you can move on to the next. If your child continues to do something else, again take his hands and wait—making sure to show no anger or annoyance. But if he is simply doing nothing, then stay close behind and just wait. If nothing happens after 3 or so minutes, place your hands on his shoulders and press lightly in the direction in which you want him to move. Essentially you are positioning him to start the action. When the action is carried out, again say something simple and continue on as if nothing special has happened.

At this point, you may be wondering what makes the techniques so difficult for parents to adopt? In some ways, the answer is the same as it is for the questions, “why is it so difficult for people to diet?" or "why is it so difficult for people stop smoking?” The rules for changing those behaviors are clear and simple. But they require a major commitment to change and the willingness to alter old patterns and replace them with new ones.

In the case of parent-child interaction, one source of difficulty is the paucity of language. Our culture has accustomed us to talking, and explaining, and reasoning ad infinitum with our children. That becomes an ingrained habit that is hard to relinquish. But of even greater significance is the discipline required to do this on a regular basis. It takes both physical and mental effort to make sure that with each request, you are up, close to your child and ready to carry out the routine. It is so much easier to call out your request from the next room. But that calling out is useless and actually counterproductive in terms of the goals you hope to achieve.

Further, it's easy to be misled by the improvement you will see. Generally there will be significant gains within three to four weeks. That often is taken to mean that all is well and you can return to your old ways. Alas, that is not the case. Typically, even when your child seems calm and in control, you have to maintain this pattern for about six additional months. At that point, the new interaction patterns are reasonably secure and you can start, step-by-step, to be more relaxed about the discipline.

As a psychologist, I find that an even more intriguing question is “Why is the physical contact so effective?” It appears to play at least two roles.
First, children who are active and impulsive find it exacting to control their behavior. When the adult is nearby and imposes the control, much like the governor in an engine, it regulates the flow of what is occurring. Then over time, with continued practice, the child can take over the job on his own.
Second, physical contact presents a situation that is far easier to “read” than one involving verbal directions. When there is distance and the control is verbal, the child always face the tantalizing pull that tells him “Keep doing what you are doing. No one is close enough to stop you.” or “She may not mean what she is saying. Wait till she starts yelling.” When you are nearby, all that changes. Your message is clear, unambiguous and effective.

Whatever the source, the physical contact represents a magic touch that can do wonders for enhancing your child's behavior and adding tranquility to family life.