Time for Some Smiles
With all the many problems that are swirling around us, it's easy to feel a bit downcast. When that happens, a smile can work wonders. Hopefully some of these one liners will do that for you.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
It's not who you know, it's whom you know. (It's so nice when jokes also teach some language.)
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Two can live as cheaply as one---for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
And finally--
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
